Patriotism

Recently while washing my hands I glanced at the cake of soap on my bathroom sink, noticed that it had "Made In Australia" proudly engraved on its face, and thought to myself, "is there anything this country can't do?"

Then I realised that it had been written upside down, and I thought, "that'd be right".

Three steps to a smooth journey home

Step 3: When leaving your car at the railway station for a day trip to the city, check that the lights are switched off.

Step 2: Park outside a pub so there is a ready pool of willing volunteers to give you a push-start.

Step 1: Buy a vehicle with a manual transmission.

Too much oxygen to the brain

The search for a greater degree of verticality takes me to San Antena, a modest-sized town named after the patron saint of drawing electromagnetic radiation from 100km away and sitting indoors and watching television so as not to be overcome by the beauty of the local sunsets. It's also nearly the same distance from the nearest significant source of pollution, so there's always the chance that my body will start fixing itself instead of merely self-destructing. If not, the cemetery here has a wonderful view, although they could probably get a better price for me at the composting plant in the next town.

One would think that someone who has had about a dozen addresses in the past ten years would have the whole moving thing down pat by now. And he almost does. But he will impart the benefit of most recent experience:

1. Do not experiment with capturing waste water from your washing machine to water the garden until you have retrieved your mop from the property you vacated.
2. No matter how superior the stove at your new abode, do not excitedly cook all your favourite dishes until you have retrieved your casserole dishes from the property you vacated. Unless you find saucepans in the fridge a good look.